Do you look for red flags to not make a dating mistake?
Are You Repelling Healthy Love?
Singles often tell me that me they feel that after years of being single, they’re getting much closer to finding true love because they are getting better at screening wrong people out—i.e., watching out for red flags.
“If I meet someone who shows any signs of being emotionally unavailable or not marriage-minded or if they have unresolved issues with ex’s or their mother, I’m outta there . .” singles often say.
While it seems like screening out wrong people to avert “Mr or Ms Wrong’s” is a solution for not repeating past patterns or dating people who can’t commit, the real question is this:
Has screening out wrong people helped you to actually find true love?
I would venture to say no.
Because knowing what you don’t want and won’t put up with – ever again – isn’t the answer to becoming a laser-focused-magnet to-the-universe and invitation to the right person of what you do want and need for your dream relationship.
The problem with the “watching for red flags” approach is this.
It’s not getting to the heart of the matter of why you’re attracting wrong people in the first place.
Because avoiding red flags is more about avoiding what you don’t want instead of being laser focused on what you do want.
Do you have questions like “how do I invite in commitment-minded matches instead of ones who look good on paper and look good at the beginning but don’t turn out?”
- Where do I meet them?
- What is about me that may be attracting them?
- How do I end dates with people I don’t want to see again?
- Do you ever feel like your love life is a mystery you can’t seem to solve?
It is frustrating and I call what most well-intention singles engage in is mystery dating where you find people you’re attracted to, evaluate if you like them, and try to assess if he/she is a “good person, successful and if you like the same things.
If the person seems like a “quality person” and meets a few criteria (i.e, is the person successful, there is a physical attraction, etc.) you date to see how it goes.
This is stopped abruptly when there’s a red flag, at which point you close the person out OR you ignore the red flag and rationalize maybe it’s not so bad and maybe with time, it won’t be a problem.
I bet this sounds familiar since this is how most relationship-oriented singles approach finding true love. . .but it doesn’t work because . . .
For so many singles there’s a hidden dynamic going on under the surface that’s actually undermining and inviting these wrong people in and repelling the right ones.
Additionally, because you may have analyzed your past fears and childhood traumas in therapy—you may dismiss these feelings and begin to assure yourself, they can’t possibly still be having an affect on you.
Unfortunately, it is those very fears/traumas/blind spots that are the undermining dynamic from the past that actually causes us to repel the kind of we actually need and want.
If you don’t change this and stop repelling love you’re GOING TO keep attracting people who are a mirror to your fears instead of the healthy, commitment-ready, marriage-minded dates you want.
If you’re ready to change your focus from identifying red flags and attracting people who are a mirror to your fears –and want to date in an inspired way and be done with dating forever, book a call. We’ve seen it all and are the best helping marriage-minded singles to find healthy lifetime love.