How can you crush a remarkably attractive, highly successful 33-year-old pediatrician who loves her work, has a circle of excellent friends, and a close bond with her family?
Well, for my client Beth, it was easy.
You just had to say, “You’re so beautiful, talented, and loving. Why aren’t you married already?”
She’d laugh, but inwardly, she was devastated and, despite her brilliance, she didn’t have an answer.
The fact was that she desperately wanted to find an amazing partner, have kids, and build a wonderful life together.
It turns out, though, she was struggling with an addiction she didn’t even know she had.
Are you hooked like her?
A burning, tingling sensation filled Beth’s chest the moment she met Jeff, and she felt like her luck had finally changed.
It’s not just that he was strikingly handsome. He was also warm and kind, especially when it came to helping her with projects in her apartment.
After a few dates, lit up with desire and potential, she started filling her mind with visions of a future together.
But things were not exactly the way they seemed.
Right from the start, Jeff made some “helpful” comments about how she could tone up, maybe even lose a few pounds so that her size 4 body looked even better.
Though he sometimes let down his guard and flashed a glimpse of all sorts of good qualities, Beth really wanted to be with someone who was more emotionally expressive.
Oh, yeah. . .he also kept telling her that he wasn’t ready to get married, and in the course of their two year relationship, they broke up 4 or 5 times.
I know what you’re thinking.
How could a smart woman like Beth put up with this?
Why did she only see the rush-filled ideal rather than the bleaker (but truer) reality?
Well, Beth is like a lot of singles–both men and women. Maybe you can relate.
She so badly wanted to find the one and get married that she kept turning a blind eye to the red flags.
She was so hooked on potential—on what this guy could be—that she couldn’t see what he really was, a decent guy who wasn’t right for her.
One day, Beth snapped out of it. . .or so it seemed.
She realized that she’d wasted two precious years of her life, broke up with him, and resolved to only date marriage-minded men.
A matchmaker set her up with Alan, a smart, good looking, interesting man who was attentive to her needs, expressed his emotions, and wanted to get married.
Everything appeared to be going well until she started getting texts from Jeff and got sucked back into the vicious cycle of thinking, “Well, maybe he really does want to be with me, but just needs more time. What if I move on and then he realizes I was the one?”
So she told Alan she wanted to stop seeing him because she didn’t feel a connection with him and what he said was bracing: “I’m everything you say you want, but I don’t think you’re ready to trust. I don’t think you’re really ready to marry. I think you are still hooked on your ex.”
He was totally right.
She was addicted to Jeff—the very guy who couldn’t meet her needs and didn’t want to marry her.
What Alan said really stung.
But this was the good sting of truth because it put Beth on the road to true recovery by forcing her to turn inward.
At this point, she didn’t need a matchmaker. She needed a relationship coach. She needed someone who could help her turn within to be the one to find the one.
What does that mean? She had to change herself.
She had to liberate herself from getting hooked on men who couldn’t meet her needs, were emotionally closed down, and didn’t want to get married.
Beth had to understand her triggers and patterns and do the inner work that would truly empower her to change her relationship to herself and her relastionships with others.
Here’s the amazing truth. . . .
Just six months after we started working together Beth was engaged to a wonderful man whom she married within the year, and they now have a beautiful daughter together.
I bet there a lot of you might identify with Beth, though your detrimental patterns might be slightly different, so I want to raise a few questions that’ll help you turn inward and start getting to the heart of the matter.
- What is the gap between what you want in a spouse and the kind of people to whom you’re attracted (or currently dating)? What is it that you truly desire in a lifetime partner and how does this compare to the reality of your love life?
- Do you have a sense of what triggered this pattern? Was there a particular point in your life when you started settling for less or felt yourself getting hooked on potential?
- Are there inner blockages that are making it hard for you to let go of these patterns? This where things get really hard for even the smartest people to see in themselves because we all have blind spots.
If you give yourself some time to contemplate your responses to these questions, you might be pleasantly surprised to discover some subtle shifts taking place in your relationships.
TAKE ONE MORE STEP FORWARD ON YOUR MEET TO MARRY™ JOURNEY
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