How to overcome the fear that keeps us single. . .
Most people love the idea of contemplating how great their new future is going to feel. It’s so powerful to envision and imagine we’ve achieved the goal, even before it’s happened. It’s like dreaming about being on vacation before you’ve gotten on the plane. You know the feeling. You can be literally sitting at work, but float into the thought bubble of being away on a beach, you can practically feel the sand between your toes and taste the delicious pina colada in that ice-filled glass.
But when it comes right down to it, most people” don’t make it past the dreamy idea phase of the goal before doubts “how it can’t happen for me”, excuses “I don’t have the secret”, reasons “it’s not realistic now”, conflicting priorities and stories around timing. . . maybe in 3 months, 6 months or a year or whenever. . . and before you know, we talk ourselves out of it and the dream dies on the vine.
The potential for something new and wonderful that you deserve—poof, gone!
Fear is the absolute biggest killer of dreams.
Joanna, 48, divorced (real person name changed) had a big dream.
“I want to find my true love—the one I’ll spend the rest of my life with in a committed relationship. When it happens, I can finally relax and start living a full complete life with a real partner instead of feeling lonely and struggling for more than 25 years – meeting wrong men and wasting time on dead-end dating and relationships that go nowhere.”
“I also think I have fears and anxiety about being left, rejected after falling in love and not feeling secure in a commitment.”
Joanna is experiencing fear and she’s associating love with pain.
If Joanna has this association:
(rejection, loneliness, abandonment)
What do you think she is creating in her love life?
Which will win out?
Her dream of feeling loved and adored?
Her fear of being abandoned and hurt? Old hurts from the past – more of the same pain.
If she doesn’t break through this pattern. . . . and conquer her “irrational” fear. She’ll experience more of the same pain and confusion she’s experienced for 20-something years.
It’s irrational because the fear is from the past, but she’s bringing it to life in the present and it shuts down the future.
Then. . . . 2019 won’t be her year for love and she won’t know why.
- She’ll create reasons and convince herself that it’s just “not the right time.”
- She’ll dismiss her dream and rationalize: “Oh, it’s so silly to want to find love after all this time, just because I don’t want to be lonely.”
- She’ll focus on someone else: “I’m going to work more to support my 25 year-old daughter in college.”
- She’ll rationalize: “My life is half over and it’s good enough. I have plenty friends so I’ll just make the best of it, like my father tells me.”
- She’ll allow the past to recreate the future: “I doubt it really could happen anyway.”
From a big dream to a dead dream.
It doesn’t have to be that way. People who DO find true love (and they do) do so by having the courage to move past the fear by challenging it with healthy reality-based thinking.
When we look fear in the face and challenge it, you know what happens? It gets smaller and eventually it disappears.
We get courageous and committed and we can see that the fear isn’t real. Even though it seems very real in the moment.
When we challenge our fear we create space to make new choices.
Our fears actually create what we’re afraid of. If we’re afraid of being abandoned, we attract people who will hurt us and leave us.
And if we perceive love as painful, you got it. . . .we run from it.
So you have to make new choices. You have to become a love warrior for your dream.
It’s the difference between choosing good versus evil. The light versus darkness.
So with 2019 right around the corner, what’s your love life going to look like?
What are you going to choose?
Love or fear?
If you’re done being alone and struggling trying to figure out how to date in a way that works, struggle no more. We’re love warriors and know how to get you there. Book your free Breakthrough to Love strategy session and we’ll shine a light on what’s not working and make a plan for this to be your year for true love.
This article is very good and touches the root of irrational thinking for those who experienced a 💔 broken heart. I’ve learned to face fear head on by planning dating strategies after experiencing divorce. Even so, I don’t like thinking that coupelating is the only path to a fulfilling life. I actually enjoy being single and would still one day consider a committed relationship. I feel protective of my happiness. Do you think this is fear?