I’ve always been a very positive person — super optimistic — a lover of anything self-help. Something awful could be happening and I am always able to think of an idea or a better situation and feel enthusiastic again.
This ability comes directly from growing up in a traumatic and lonely childhood where dreaming of a happier future was a way of coping. I would literally vision being in a different life and use my attitude to feel better. I would think “I’m going to be someone, I’m going to be successful, I’m going to be loved. . . I’m going to feel normal.”
Back in the day, I would read books by Louise Hay like You Can Heal Your Life, Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God and Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More.
I would use affirmations, pray, meditate, visualize and journal.
I did Eastern philosophy things like Art of Living breathing and silent retreats, yoga,energy healing, reiki — then more mainstream things including all of the Landmark Education curriculum, Tony Robbins seminars, therapy, retreats, . . you name it I did it.
But optimism, positivity, self-help books, energy work and treatments didn’t help me to find true love. Sure, I found dates and relationships but the feeling I experienced was more like being back in my childhood — feeling alone, misunderstood, no real future. Like there was something wrong with me. If I was in a relationship with someone, he never turned out to be the right one. And when not in a relationship, I would have fun dates and then feel abandoned. It was awful.
So with all of that work and positivity under my belt,
why didn’t it help me to find love?
Because they were band-aids.
None of it got to the root of the REAL problem which is how I felt about myself and the stories and blocks within me and how to undo and transcend and fix them so I could actually live my dream instead of struggle for fifteen more years!?! And then, once those things were handled, how in heaven’s name do you date in a way that leads to marriage? I had no idea.
- How often do you meditate or do yoga and feel so peaceful, only to find yourself an hour later searching online feeling like. . . ugh there’s something wrong with me that the ones I message, don’t message me back.
- Do you ever feel like in your head you know you’re smart, amazing and have so much to give but there’s a little voice that says:
- You need to lose 10 pounds. . .
- You have a kid, who’s going to want you?
- You’re not as beautiful as you used to be. . .
- You’ve been divorced twice. . .
Inside you’re feeling like: I’m just not lovable. I’m not wanted.
It’s like you’re two different people, smart and confident in your head, but emotionally, not so much.
So instead of positive thinking that is like icing on a mudpie, you need something that goes much deeper and solves the problem. You need to get to the root of it all and begin living your life with authentic confidence, where your head and your heart are on the same page — so you’re living your life guided by healthy thinking. . . practical and real. . . .creating your love life head on–the same way you create success in other areas of your life that work.
How do you know positive thinking isn’t work in your life?
Here’s an exercise: Say the affirmation:
I am lovable, I am perfect as I am.
Then stop to listen: Is there any part of you — a little tiny tiny voice that says:
I’m not sure that I am.
Do you feel a tinge of sadness or doubt? If you do, (and that’s so human), then you need a new way.
One thing I am certain of, you cannot fool the universe. The universe reflects the truth. When we have blocks, fears and limited beliefs, we attract people and situations that reflect our conscious and unconscious fears.
Instead of positive thinking that isn’t connected to an outcome and
just feels good temporarily, your love life can be guided by
reality-based thinking and a solid, practical plan
that feels amazing as you date to marry to find your true love.
When you clear them once and for all, and you take charge of your thoughts/feelings in a rational way, learn new dating skills (instead of floundering with well-meaning bad advice and strategies that don’t work) . . .
- Dating sites are no longer pez dispensers of wrong people and your eyes open to the amazing marriage-minded dates who actually want what you want. . .that are on your page. . .and share your values. . . right where you live!
- You no longer focus on everyone else. . .staying at work late so you don’t have to go home to an empty house. . . because you’re in action and finally focused on your life!
- You’re dating with confidence, clarity and skills — you have the right words to share what you’re looking for without fear of scaring someone off, you know how to end dates and not waste time with people you’re not interested in.
- You’re dating to marry to find your true love because you’re committed to living a life of connection, partnership, and commitment . . stepping into your truth (because you know it’s possible and you’re clear about WHY things you were doing in the past–like being focused on positive thinking and “it’ll happen when it happens” didn’t work.
No more temporary fixes. Unlearn and stop doing what doesn’t work and instead be true to yourself and your vision while dating to marry with a plan.
If you’re tired of wishing and hoping and years of waking up alone and feeling unwanted and are ready to find your perfect match now, register for Breakthrough to Love session and we’ll spend the most productive 45 minutes of your life get to your truth.
P.S. You are lovable and perfect just the way you are!