We met a 30-something, super-nice outgoing guy at the dog park. He was an entrepreneur who leads teams retailers and relocated to South Florida from New York, so we instantly connected.
Since love is my business; after speaking for about 15 minutes about his career and how he came to relocate to Florida, I asked if he was single and he said he was. I asked how he meets women and he told me he meets them on dating sites. Interestingly, he told me that he wasn’t going to meet them at bars, as he wanted a ‘good girl’ – someone who is marriage minded. He actually went as far as saying “I want kids.”
He then went on to say that it’s hard to really meet women, as sometimes he’ll go up to a woman and – in his words – “they don’t’ make it easy. . it’s hard to approach them”. While he’s confident in so many areas (his career, what he wants out of life), when it comes to speaking to women, he find himself retreating into himself, coming across as not so confident.
Why?
Fear of rejection.
For most of us, this same fear doesn’t exist in business or other areas of our lives. In our careers, we’re successful because we know the rules and what we need to do. If we’re in sales, we sell, if we’re creative, we create, etc. I’m sure you get my drift.
At the end of the day, we go home and and haven’t had to share the deepest part of ourselves with our co-workers, employees or clients. We want good and positive experiences, at work, and if there’s a conflict or we’re not feeling the love at work, we can switch jobs, move to another position or leave – and we don’t take it personally.
When it comes to love – not so much.
Love is about intimacy, and involves sharing our true selves. It’s no wonder most of us find that risky.But, think about the people who find lifelong healthy love – love that works. What quality do people like that possess?
They are open to it, they make themselves vulnerable, but vulnerable in a good way.
We want to be seen, understood and liked for who we are and if we’re not, it strikes a deep chord. Very deep.
So when a man goes up to a woman, and she’s not responsive, it’s hurts.
Yes ladies, men have feelings too.
In our society, there’s so much dating advice that just feels very superficial.
- How to conquer men.
- How to get more second dates
- How to make a woman fall for you. . .
But do men really need to be conquered?
Do they need to treated like they are all the same and will respond to games and rules tailored to them? Women are told to value their individuality, but this doesn’t seem to transfer over to how many women are ‘told’ to treat men – as individuals, and not a species as a whole.
In my programs, the participants are both men and women and it’s always moving to hear men on our coaching calls and support forum share their fears, insecurities, frustrating patterns they find themselves stuck in, lovability concerns and worries – just like women.
They are human too.
So often, women ask me, “shouldn’t the man initiate contact, do the pursuing, the paying, the asking out, the planning?”
No, not always. Sometimes he will and sometimes you will.
I’ve had scores of men complain to me how frustrating it is to be expected to take control of the whole relationship.
Men are people with their own desire to be seen, heard and cared for and here’s a newsflash – They are not mind readers!
A man who is marriage-minded and wants to find his best friend and life partner will pursue a woman when it’s flowing-when there’s a mutual connection and responsiveness from both sides.
With this in mind, here are 5 ways to date well:
- You can ask a man out and still be feminine.
- When the bill comes, don’t assume it’s his responsibility to pay
- For first dates, meet for coffee
- Treat all of your dates with respect whether or not you’re interested.
- No games.
It’s generous and healthy to be expressive. If you ask a man out, if he’s interested, he’ll be happy that you did and if it’s reciprocal, he’ll be responsive. From there, he can take the ball and run with it and do the pursuing that will make you feel wonderful. Asking him out is simply an invitation. Then he’ll have the opportunity to walk through it – if it’s the right fit.
And if it’s not a fit and he’s not interested, it certainly doesn’t mean anything bad,or that there’s something wrong with you or that you need to “win him over” or change. Never take it personally. Think about it – how many people can you marry? That’s right, just one.
One of the biggest complaints that men have is that they sometimes encounter women who are not appreciative, and feel taken advantage of. When someone orders (sometimes expensive) food, when, at the end of day, the person isn’t interested in the relationship, they shouldn’t expect the other to pay – it’s just bad manners. If the tables were turned, imagine how that would make you feel. Go by the golden rule-do unto others as you would have them do to you. Even if you’re not interested in the person (especially so in fact), treat them with respect and generosity. When the bill comes; offer to split it or to pay. Then your date can accept your offer or not. Just because they’re not right for you, it doesn’t mean they have to be effectively ‘hit where it hurts’ – ie the wallet.
When you’re meeting someone, meet for coffee so you can focus on conversation to see if things flow and if you’re on the same page. This eliminates the pressure of a long dinner date and drinks when you might just not be attracted to them, might not be on the same relationship timeline, not share values or a common vision. And if the person you’re having coffee with turns out to be someone you’d definitely like to see again – great. You can always meet again.
Remember, while he/she may not be for you, there is a right person out there waiting for them, and if you’re not it, you don’t have to hold them back from finding Ms Right. You can never have too many friends, and if you leave everyone with a good impression of you, you’ll develop a reputation of being a good person to know – and you never know where that could lead.
Games are for children. Men don’t need to be played or toyed with. They have deep emotions, and when you play with them, it can damage their confidence, leading to the very issues women complain about in men. It can be hard to tell someone you’re not interested, but it’s better for you – and them – if you don’t string a relationship along, and let them know that whilst they’re a good person, they’re not the right person for you.
Always remember – Men, like women are human beings, and don’t need to conquered, fixed or manipulated. The sexiest and most attractive way to be is yourself; fully open, clear, confident and above all honest. That paves the way for real connection.
