What’s your DATING story . . . here is one we hear all too often…
It’s Saturday night and you’re home alone. . . . not out on date and you feel like you should be.
The kids are with your ex and you’re telling yourself, there’s no excuse for you to be home alone — since you’re committed to finding the One.
- You’re beating yourself up.
- That critical inner voice is talking to you.
- You start thinking about an ex and the loneliness gets worse!
And then what happens?
You guessed it. You venture into the kitchen and you start eating things you normally wouldn’t . . .and plop on the couch. Cookies, chips, ice cream. Eating even though you’re not hungry and that makes things even worse. You feel lonely, chubby, unattractive, pathetic, old and single, uninteresting.
Why is it that when something isn’t working we self-soothe? Even though intellectually we know we shouldn’t. While some of us eat, others drink, shop, avoid others, complain and avoid dating or become cynical. . . regardless of your path, it is a never ending cycle.
How can you break out of a cycle of self-destructive behavior and shift to one that is empowering in the face of a breakdown?
You Challenge Your Thinking — that’s what we do in the Meet to Marry Method.
Here’s an example, Nancy found herself in this situation and she was upset and felt so out of control.
Here is an exercise to go from feeling powerless to peaceful:
Separate the “what’s happening” from “what you’re telling yourself” — the “story”.
- Step 1: What’s happening: I’m home alone, not on a date.
- Step 2: What you’re telling yourself: I should be on a date. I’m so pathetic. I’m not interesting. I’m a loser.
- Step 3: How does it make you feel: Terrible, brings me down, Lonely, chubby, unattractive, pathetic, old and single, uninteresting. I’m not hungry, but I’m over eating and bored.
- Step 4: What’s more in line with reality: I’m really bright, smart, fun energetic, driven capable, loving, deserving of love. Nothing is wrong with me. I just didn’t arrange for something amazing to do. What I can do, is plan next weekend to either be on a date or go on date with myself. If I don’t have a date, I can spend time reading, relaxing, preparing my week and enjoying myself. I could watch a TED talk, search online or enjoy the solitude. I deserve to have true love in my life and I will have it.
When you don’t engage in the self-destructive behavior that is being encouraged by the critical inner voice and rather increase the positive behaviors that go against the “story”. For example, a person who is shy can stop avoiding social interactions and can make a point of striking up conversations with people.
- Step 5: How do you feel now that you’ve challenged a “story” with reality based thinking?
Great, clear, in action and empowered.
Human beings don’t suffer because of what’s happens. Lots of things happen. We lose our keys, get lost, have a bad day. . . . .don’t have a date on a Saturday night.
We suffer because of the STORY we tell ourselves.
So tell yourself healthy, reality-based things–not a “story” — that are aligned with your who you are.
Instead of eating when you’re not hungry, or shopping or avoiding. Look at it. Get support to think differently and in an instant your mindset and experience will change.
Suffering is Optional
How are you going to change your “story”? I’d love to know. Share what you discovered on our community Facebook page and send your questions to Bari directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have an amazing Sunday!