The phrase “He’s just not that into you” was made famous by the hit series and movie Sex and the City.  The confusion and anticipation that comes with the “will he/she call me?” can be avoided when you end dates with communication and clarity.  To avoid the unnecessary confusion and sometimes hurt feelings, here’s a new and enlightening approach.

Have honest and considerate communication by ending dates with clarity

Women have logged thousands of hours trying to analyze how men think and men themselves wonder what a woman is thinking at the end of a date.

How many times have you replayed a date in your mind wondering if you should have said or done something differently while trying to reason why he/she hasn’t called?

For there to even be another date, it’s important that both people are on the same page. So if you’ve just completed a date and you don’t feel a connection, saying “I’ll call you” when you know you won’t (or don’t want to) may be a “quick fix,” but is highly inauthentic and inconsiderate.

Just the other day, a 35 year old guy, seriously dating to find the one he will marry, shared with me a short story.

After telling a woman at the end of coffee date that he’d love to see her again later that week, she replied….”no, we’ll just see each other at so and so’s wedding,” instead of a straight ‘no.’

Don’t be afraid to speak the truth

People are so afraid of speaking the truth for various reasons- from not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings to wanting to keep the door open just in case. But none of these are effective.  It’s more hurtful to string a person along when you can simply close the door. People would always rather know the truth than have false hope.

At the end of your coffee date (or phone conversation), be clear about where you stand and exact about your intentions

If you don’t want to see the person again, you can say “I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t feel the attraction that would be necessary to pursue a relationship” or, “I think you are super interesting but our values are too different for the long term. I may have a friend to introduce you to, would that be okay?”

By letting the person know that you are not interested in meeting again you are setting them free and closing that door knowing you’ve been clear and respectful of them and their time.  And, they won’t be wondering over the next few days whether or not you’ll be calling.

If you do want to see the person again, by all means set another date.  Something like ”I would love to go out again next week and continue getting to know you.  How is Sunday evening?”

Never leave it open-ended by saying “I’ll call you” or “I’ll be in touch.”

When I met my husband, he ended our first date by saying “I would love to see you again.  Are you free on Sunday night?”  I felt cherished and wonderful because the feeling was mutual–and we both knew it and you will too!