Have you been watching Bravo’s Princesses: Long Island?
A friend was just telling me about how all the girls on the show want to get married, but they can’t quite seem to find their perfect match.
Casey—one of the more mature young women on the show—is particularly interesting to me.
On the surface, she’s struggling with two main problems.
First of all, the pain Erica (one of the other “princesses”) caused years ago when she stole Casey’s first boyfriend is still very much alive in her mind and heart. Her boyfriend’s cheating made her question her self-worth and attractiveness.
Then, this situation plays into the even deeper sadness and feelings of abandonment she suffers due to the fact that her father abandoned her when she was a child.
These two things have caused her to become incredibly defensive.
Her defensiveness really stands out.
So many of the women and men who come to me for coaching desperately want to find true love but have their guards up. On many levels, this guardedness makes sense, but. . .
Know what happens when you’re this guarded? You wind up repelling the love you want.
Can you relate to the following description? Is this what your heart is like?
Joey tells us:
“Casey’s single because her heart has so many guards and then fences and then a bullet proof vest and a zipper and a button and everything wrapped around it. Nobody’s getting in there at all for a long time.”
Have you put up walls of protection to prevent yourself from being hurt?
Casey’s defenses have caused her to create a story about how relationships don’t work, and that’s what keeps happening for her because she’s still being run by her fear of abandonment, which prevents her from finding the love she needs and craves.
3 STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH YOUR DEFENSES
TIP #1: REALIZE YOU’RE LOVABLE
If deep down, you believe there’s something wrong with you, you won’t attract true love into your life. In fact, you’re likely to attract just the opposite—you’ll attract people and situations that support how you feel about yourself.
What are some signs that you’re getting in your own way? Well, if you keep attracting people who make you feel like something is wrong with you or who give you less than what you need or want, on some level–one that you might not at all be conscious of–you might not truly feel lovable or deserving of love.
Take a step back and write down how you want to feel and ask, am I treating myself that way?
TIP #2: FORGIVE YOURSELF
As you let down your guard and open up to the fact that you’re truly lovable, you might discover that you feel responsible for things and relationships in your life that have gone the wrong way.
It might be that you’re still holding yourself responsible for your parents’ divorce (that happened when you were 12). Or maybe you still feel guilty about breaking up with your ex-girlfriend because she was a really good person, but just not right for you. Perhaps you feel it was your fault that your ex-boyfriend abandoned you.
This sense of guilt can take thousands of forms.
One really great way of letting go and forgiving yourself is to write a completion letter, which involves acknowledging the good things about the experience and what you got out of it as well as the negative things. Then, at the end, you grant yourself forgiveness.
In my private coaching and my group course (Finding The One: A Clear Path To The One You’re Meant To Marry), I guide you step-by-step through this process of forgiving yourself and gaining the completion you need in order to genuinely open yourself up so that you can easily attract and find your perfect match.
TIP #3: CREATE A VISION FOR YOURSELF–ONE THAT’S SEPARATE FROM THE PAST
All creation starts from a blank slate. The world was created by utterances. All art starts with a blank canvas from a picture in the artist’s mind and the same is true with music. Your past does not need to equal your future.
Take a step back and invent the future you want from a blank slate and realize that if you dream it, you can create it. Describe how you want to feel in a relationship. Define your top personal characteristics and the ones you need your beloved to possess. Envision the kind of lifestyle you want to enjoy with your partner. Go for it!
You might not be able to do all these things at once or you might find yourself getting stuck along the way.
The most important thing is that you start moving forward by taking steps–no matter how small–so that you can create your exciting, love-filled future.
If you need more support in this process, I’m here for you.
If you don’t already have your free copy of my 7 Mistakes When Dating To Marry (and how to avoid them) fill out the box beneath the blog. All you need to do is enter your name and email address and you’ll receive it right away. It’s filled with even more detailed guidance and examples. And if you need a one-on-one support, you might want to check out my new complimentary Breakthrough to Love Session.