I received a question from a single mom who has been trying to find her match for decades.  The men she meets can’t commit and she wanted my opinion about some advice she received.

She asked:  

“It was suggested to me that if I want to find the right one, I need tweak my profile and describe myself as “a strong, successful, independent woman. . .” and she asked if I thought that would that would be a turnoff.

This is advice that I hear repeated so often — it drives me crazy because it’s just wrong.


You’re successful at your career, you are juggling multiple priorities like work, raising kids, managing your home, caring for aging parents and shopping on amazon– is what you’re good at.  You’re a make it happen person.

That’s what it means to be a woman. But juggling multiple priorities and getting a lot done and being responsible is NOT WHO you are — it’s WHAT you’re doing. Success in finding true love is very different than achieving success that comes so easily at work.  But there is just one thing… that is missing….the true love of a partner!

True love is about intimacy, which includes vulnerability and THAT IS WHY it can feel scary.

By describing yourself as a strong, independent woman, you’re putting out a verbal and energetic message that says “I DON’T NEED A MAN”– I can do it all by myself.  How men perceive that message is not going to get you the love you really want with the kind of man you really want — a man who will be inspired by you and who will love and adore you as you are. 

Therefore you are actually repelling love subconsciously. . . 

Take that in for a moment.  I don’t need man and I’m fine on my own.   Is that your truth?

Is that what you mean to put out?  I don’t think so.

What you’re really saying when you portray yourself as strong, successful and independent is that you don’t want to get hurt or stuck in the wrong situation. . . again.  You don’t want a relationship where you’re not seen, heard, deeply loved and celebrated.

The underlying reason that you’re putting out this message is you have fear!  Fear of getting hurt again or making a mistake.

You’re super tired of doing it all by yourself.  The time has come to realize that being tough and having walls of protection comes at a big price.  

Here’s a different paradigm to consider.

Who you REALLY are is a loving, caring, compassionate, smart, creative, resourceful, dedicated woman who truly wants and desires a real partner to share your life with.

Someone to come home to and share your day. . to plan with. To cook with. . .to watch a movie with and just relax with. To kick off your heels and have someone to hold you, to hear you, to have your back. Someone to help you with your kids, to love you and to take care of you in the ways you want to be taken care.   To dance with, travel with and to finally know you’re with someone who was worth waiting your whole life for.

The truth is that the right person won’t be intimidated by you.  He’s successful in his own right. He’ll be proud of you and your success, and hold you in high esteem and won’t believe how lucky he is to be with you because he’s been looking for a real partner too.  

But to find that person, you have to take off your armor.

Since you you really do want true love and a real partner, the key is expressing that not just in words but showing up in your life that way with a real plan.  In your profile, in your thoughts, in how you express it to the world–you have to be 100% aligned. You can’t fake it.

The universe is very literal. When you’re not 100% aligned, you continue magnetizing men who are a mirror to your fears.

So my answer is:  Superficial tweaks of your profile and pretending (even lying to yourself) that you don’t want a commitment to avoid getting hurt again, is something you can shift.  You can clear the things from the past that are keeping you from love and learn how to date to marry.   

Yes, you can be successful and have true love too.

If you want to change the paradigm from love=fear to love and partnership is my deepest desire and I’m ready, let’s jump on a call and shine a light on what’s really keeping you from love and make a real plan to make it happen.   Book a call and let us help.