In “Single, Jewish and Cynical, Reflections of a Jewish Single,” Chaim Lazarus expresses the defeated tone of many singles, and I’d like to offer a message of inspiration and hope to singles of all religions.

While Chaim’s message offers positive suggestions, reading between the lines reveals a tone of resignation and a powerlessness over his situation (i.e., going on dates we know are not good for us, moving to new communities, escaping the loneliness we endure, etc.).

Positive and productive, no doubt, are his suggestions to “never give up on your dreams” and to “see the glass half full.” Maintaining a positive attitude and focusing on the good things in one’s life are wonderful and useful strategies.

But I didn’t hear anything in his letter about how he would or that he even realized that he could change his situation.

While it might seem like your only options are staying positive and busy to keep your mind off your singleness, I can tell you from personal experience that you do have options—we all do.

As a dating coach and former “relationship disaster” that I lovingly call myself now, I know what it’s like to be dating and meeting all the “wrong ones”—and the frustration and loneliness that accompanies it. I also know from personal experience that I was able to change my life and turn it all around to meet and marry my dream husband, Michael.

I changed my reality and created a new future for myself, and you can too.

These changes involve personal transformation, stepping back and taking an objective view of yourself and making adjustments necessary to change your life. These adjustments involve not just changing what you’re doing, but looking at who you are “being” in your dating life, as if an observer watching from the outside.


Choose to change your life and “Be the One to Find the One.”

Before you can find your ideal spouse, you need to find yourself and take on the elements of marriage-readiness. The answers are not “out there’—they are within you.

Make it your mission to learn about the elements of marriage readiness: maturity, generosity and self-awareness.

To realize personal change, you must be brave, mature and have the willingness to uncover your blind spots and blockages related to how you view yourself, dating and marriage.


Create a new reality for yourself by knowing that the past does not equal the future.

While your dating experience thus far has not been successful, keep in mind that the past does not equal the future. Sometimes what appears to be true may not be true at all, but are just experiences that you can transcend.

If you change your attitude toward dating and see dating as an exciting adventure, that is what it will become! Change your reality and change your life. Take a step back and take an objective view of your situation from the outside in.

Conduct yourself like a marriage-minded single with clarity, grace and confidence and eliminate mystery dating. Visualize your future life and draw it to you. By knowing yourself and your own emotional needs and desires, the kind of person you’d like to share your life with, you’ll be able to evaluate and attract appropriate marriage-minded singles. You will eliminate dreaded “mystery dating.”


Love yourself for who you are—and look to the future with hope!

Finally, know that you are a unique person and you cannot compare yourself to others. The person with whom you will create a lifetime of love, admiration and bonding is readying herself for you.

Know that the life you lived so far has been paved with lessons and that you lived, you loved and learned but now is the time to meet your ideal spouse so you need to be ready. Get a coach and find a married mentor you can look up to and confide in, someone who will be honest and give you necessary feedback.

Challenge your negative thinking, get into reality and begin to create your new life now so you can be someone who will attract and be open to meeting your ideal spouse whenever and however she crosses your path.