I can’t get myself out there on the dating scene until I lose these 20 pounds.
I can’t get into a serious relationship with anyone until I’m making more money.
Who would want me now?
Welcome to the “Someday, Maybe” syndrome.
And we all suffer from it. . . to varying degrees.
We define who we are by external things like bank account balances, our weight, or our status.
And if we haven’t achieved these superficial goals, we create a story about why we haven’t. . .a very disempowering story that we are not worthy.
We become the story we tell ourselves. And we believe it to be true. It’s these stories we tell ourselves that keep us from being happy. . . .from truly connecting with others.
But you can do something about this situation.
You can distinguish fact from fiction by taking the following steps:
- Identifying the basic story that you’re telling yourself
- Getting clear about the more general disempowering story that’s dictating your belief.
- Replacing the story with an empowering statement that asserts your value.
Example #1
Basic Story: No one will want me until I lose some weight.
General Disempowering Story: There’s something wrong with me. I’m not good enough as I am.
Empowering Statement: I am a generous, free-spirited person who loves to do things for others and deserves to meet my special person. It’s fine if I want to lose some weight and get healthier, but my weight does not define my value as an individual. I don’t need to put off dating until I reach some ideal weight.
Example #2
Basic Story: No one will want to get into a serious relationship with me because I don’t make enough money.
General Disempowering Story: I feel like a worthless loser.
Empowering Statement: I’m a highly motivated person who’s passionate about my work, and I want to make many positive contributions to the world. Now, as I’m on the path to accomplishing my goals, is the perfect time to find a soul mate to share life’s ups and downs.
It’s not the few extra pounds or our bank balance that hurts us. It’s the disempowering stories we tell ourselves that cause us to suffer.
We carry around so many stories from our past relationships, perceived failures, and worries about the future that we often sabotage our dreams. We become small and don’t live wholeheartedly.
In The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are–one of my favorite books on the topic–Brene Brown describes wholehearted living.
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.” It’s going to bed at night thinking, “Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”
You know what? You are divine as you are. You are perfect as you are.
When you define yourself by your achievements, you are missing out on living a big life. Your Life.
When we allow fear, shame and “if onlys” to dictate who we are, we are missing out on the juice of life—of what we need and crave the most: Connection, love, and belonging.
It’s great to set goals. We all need to be continually growing and learning.
We need to develop specific practices to nurture self-love and compassion for ourselves instead of falling into the story of “I’m not worthy.”
Because if we don’t, all that happens is time passes and we get older.
What are you going to do this week to engage in wholehearted living?
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