Dear Bari,
I went on a date last Saturday night and I thought it went great! It seemed to go well, the conversation really flowed, and everything seemed natural and comfortable. I had a lot of fun!
But then . . . I didn’t hear from him again.
What do you think happened?
I’m trying to figure out if I messed up somehow. Maybe I shared too much and scared him away.
How can I figure out what I did wrong and what to do differently next time around?
-Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
You’re not the first person to ask me this question, and I’m certain you won’t be the last. So often, I get asked for dating rules around what to share on a first date—and what NOT to share—to maximize the chances of a second date.
But that’s not the goal AT ALL.
We all want to be liked by everyone we meet. We want to be loved and seen. And when we DON’T feel that way, we take it personally: “It must be me! I blew it somehow.”
Even people who are level headed and successful in other areas of their lives lose perspective completely when it comes to dating! They feel hurt and confused—especially when the person they date is someone they really like (and it sounds like this guy falls under that category for you).
The thing is, that’s not an empowered way to view your dating journey.
In fact, telling yourself that you scared someone away will leave you feeling exhausted by dating. I’ve even talked to some singles who gave up on dating because they couldn’t cope with the uncertainty—and, in doing that, they said goodbye to their dream of finding true love and connection altogether!
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
With enough information and a fundamental shift in how you view your dating journey, you can grow to love the process of dating, because you’ll be experiencing it from a more joyful, inspired, and empowered place.
Here are some practical steps you can take that will put an end to your uncertainty and cause you to feel more positive about your dating journey in future:
1. Get clear that you don’t need everyone to like you.
Remember your long-term goal: You don’t just want to secure a second date; you want to find The One.
So, if you ever find yourself endlessly analyzing what happened next time someone doesn’t get in touch after a date, choose to simply let it go instead. And, if you think someone might have been scared off by something you said or did, remember:
It’s cause for celebration!
Why?
Because this is not the right person for you. Period. After all, how many people are you looking to ultimately share your life with?
That’s right, just one!
Trying to get everyone to like you is a waste of time and energy.
2. Don’t be afraid to ask questions to figure out if you’re on the same page.
Instead of measuring a date by “I had fun” or “we have a lot in common,” know that these are not indicators of a potential lifetime partnership.
Hey, maybe the person you were with DID have a good time, but guess what? They’re not looking for what you’re looking for. Maybe one, fun evening was enough for them, but they didn’t have the heart to tell you that—and potentially hurt your feelings in the process.
The good news is, you get to leave this vicious cycle behind you by not being afraid to ask the questions you really want to ask—and, by doing that, figuring out if the other person is a match.
How do you do that?
Simple: Share your desires, and then ask “How about you?”
For example, you might say, “I love what I do, but I’ve been focused on my career for so many years that, at this point in my life, I’m excited about the next phase and finding someone I can spend the rest of my life with. How about you? What are you looking for, right now?”
Then—and this is the most important part—LISTEN to their response.
If the other person isn’t aligned with your vision, then great! This isn’t the person for you, and you can both move on and find the person who is.
3. Be your real, authentic self from your very first meeting.
People who find and create healthy lifetime partnerships love and embrace themselves and their imperfections fully. They’re comfortable with vulnerability, and they’re not afraid to share who they really are and what they’re all about.
So many people miss this mark—hiding their best selves in order to try and please whomever they’re with in a blind attempt to score a second date.
But you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.
If you feel fear, insecurity about yourself, or shame about something from your past, you’ll find it takes up the inner space you need to attact true love.
We attract what we send out—even if it’s unconscious—so if you’re harboring this kind of negativity, you’re attracting people into your orbit who reflect that back to you.
You can’t hide those underlying fears or concerns for long, so it’s important to get the support you need to let them go.
Ask yourself: Am I real and authentic when I’m dating, or do I have an underlying fear that I’m not loveable, or that love isn’t on the cards for me?
4. You’ll know when it flows.
When people meet their life partner, they fully embrace their future spouses—and that includes accepting their strengths AND weaknesses. They share fully with one another, and are seen and loved exactly as they are. They don’t want to change each other.
With the right person, you’ll feel great—like your best self. You won’t have to perform or bend yourself into a pretzel to meet their needs, it will be relaxing and calm. You’ll feel like your partner “gets” you.
It’s just like in the movie When Harry Met Sally, when Harry says:
“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
After years of dating men who didn’t like me for who I was, meeting my husband was a breath of fresh air. When we met, we connected on every level. He genuinely liked me for who I was and saw a whole future we could create together.
Ask yourself, “Would I want to date someone who doesn’t see me or like me as I am? Or would my time be better spent finding my perfect match?
There’s a saying that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person, and it’s so true! Focus on being your best self and the rest will flow in just the way it’s supposed to.
If you want to dig deeper into what’s holding you back from true love, I created my Finding The One especially for you.
You’ll be able to discuss your specific needs with me and find out how to take action towards finding the lifetime love you want and deserve.
If you’re ready to break through your frustrating relationship patterns, cut through confusion and transform your love life, let’s get started…
-Bari.
