Two weeks ago, during "Your Burning Dating and Relationship Questions Answered," a participant shared her story:
“I'm dating this guy long distance. When we talk on the phone, and I ask him questions that he might answer with some detail, he avoids, doesn’t answer, or says very little at all. I might ask him about his day, and he responds ‘super busy,’ or I might ask about his weekend plans, and he says ‘nothing much.’
“I don't need a play-by-play of his day, but a little information about what's going on in his life would be nice. I've encountered this with past boyfriends as well! Why are guys like this?”
Ready for my answer?
First, the good news: It doesn’t have to be like this.
Next, the bad news: You are the only one who can change this frustrating situation, and it won’t change by itself. (Or, you can decide that this works for you, and keep your life exactly the way it is right now.)
Now, the other good news: You have the power to change this, and it’s not nearly as hard as it might seem.
Let’s break this challenge apart and examine it, bit by bit:
* If someone doesn’t connect with you and share with you the way you want, maybe he’s avoidant. Or maybe he’s playing games with you. Why not be direct with him, and find out now? You might ask, “I like you and see many things lining up between us, but you're not opening up to me. Your communication sometimes seems curt and closed. Because we're dating long distance, it makes things more complicated. Would you be open to sharing more, and allowing me to feel more connected to you? I like you and just want to get to know you as we’re dating.” Listen to what he says, and if it's not what you want to hear, you have your answer. Believe it.
* But this may not change his way of being and behaving, and changing him isn’t really the goal, anyway. The goal? To understand your own emotional needs and find out if they are being met, even in the early stages of this relationship. Ask yourself: How do I want to feel in a relationship with the right one? What do I want? Do I want a relationship with someone who is my best friend, someone who shares with me, connects with me, and (gulp!)...loves me?
* When you know what you want--real connection, real communication--then why are you accepting crumbs? Why settle for someone who can’t give you what you want? Why even spend a moment longer dating someone who can’t give you what you want? (Oh, and by the way--he is not the problem.
* Recognize that this is your pattern. It’s not someone else’s pattern. It’s not his pattern. “Why are guys like this?” Well, they’re not. You have been like this. If you’ve encountered this with past boyfriends and think that guys are just like this, recognize that you are the one who has created this unfulfilling and frustrating pattern in your relationships. And that is the really, really good news. (Really!) It means you can recognize and understand your patterns, change them for good, and finally find the love you want and deserve.
At Meet to Marry™, we can help, because this is exactly what we do. Want to take your first step? Apply for a complimentary, one-time, Breakthrough to Love session with me.
One recent client said this about recognizing and changing her own patterns:
“My biggest breakthrough was realizing that I can have everything I want in a relationship and not to be hindered by things that happened in the past. Listening to Bari on the coaching calls and doing the exercises have helped me to become clear and articulate about what I want in a relationship. I now feel ready.”