I’m excited to be on a plane with Michael right now heading to Israel for the wedding of a client—well, former client, Jessica.
I’m so happy for Jessica because she achieved her goal of finding her perfect match, and I’m proud of her for being willing to do what it took to make it happen. She got out of her own way, identified and changed her patterns, and now she’s marrying Adam (who’s a wonderful man). It happened quickly for her: she joined the Make It Happen This Year program in August 2015, got engaged 4 months later in December, and married this weekend on May 29.
Second time’s a charm?
What’s interesting about Jessica’s story is that she dated Adam in the past and the situation wasn’t right at the time. But when she ran into him again 3 years later, much had changed in his life – and because of her own inner shifts and clarity and empowered view of herself, she was open to him. . . and she was available.
Don’t follow conventional advice
There are unspoken rules that seem to pop up when it comes to the topic of whether or not to date an ex. These “rules” say that people and situations don’t change, and you should leave the past in the past.
These rules are based on fear, and they don’t take into account our ability to make clear, rational, empowered decisions. When we hold ourselves to these rules, we’re allowing our fears and concerns from the past to impact our ability to see things clearly in the present and stay open . . . so we totally close off possibilities for the future.
Worse yet, we stay closed off to our own inner sense of what choices are right for us.
The thing is, sometimes people do change. The past doesn’t equal the future.
If we’re guided by conscious, rational thinking, we can make powerful choices about whether to entertain that person again or to close the door fully.
In Jessica’s case, she learned that Adam had resolved some personal and career issues and his life was really different than it had been before. Now she could see a future with him. By having meaningful conversations, Jessica got to see things line up. The timing was right, he was right, and they were right.
Jessica acknowledged that in the past—before her new clarity and new empowered sense of herself—she would have been guided by fear and could have missed him!
But of course, there are times when it’s just not a good idea to go back to an ex.
Here’s an example of someone who should end the relationship with her ex for good.
Sarah* and her guy break up over and over again. She tells him she’s moving on, but she never really closes the door fully.
She feels much more empowered when she’s away from him emotionally, but as soon as he resurfaces she runs back to him and spirals downward into a dark and familiar place. She continually makes excuses for him and his bad behavior.
She questions herself and her value as a person, she longs for him and wonders what’s wrong with her and why she can’t calm down. She wonders why things don’t change and what is it about her that causes him not to want to get married, and she tries to figure out how she can fit into what he wants. She can’t seem to move on with her life.
For Sarah, parting ways with him and healing herself would be a powerful choice.
And you have a choice, too. Here’s what you need to keep in mind that will help you make this decision in your own situation:
When it’s right, things will flow and they will align.
What does that feel like?
- You feel good when you’re with the person, and relaxed whether or not they’re around.
- You feel safe to be yourself and be seen and loved with all of the quirks, strengths and challenges that make you uniquely you.
- The other person wants what you want, in a deeper, broader sense. Your values are aligned. Maybe you both want to have a family, or you both really value travel and the idea of living abroad. Maybe you share a desire for generosity and connection.
Just as you’ll know when it feels right, you’ll know when it doesn’t feel right.
You shouldn’t entertain the relationship when:
- Being with the person makes you feel anxious. (That’s a clear sign they aren’t meeting your emotional needs.)
- You feel like you need to change, or you find yourself wishing and hoping that the other person will change.
- You don’t feel safe to open up to that person.
- Your values and goals don’t align.
- You feel manipulated.
- The other person doesn’t want what you want.
Or the clearest sign of all: when your gut tells you are dating the potential in a person and not seeing him or her clearly.
You’re the one who knows best whether it’s a good idea to date an ex.
Don’t try to follow fear-based rules. Listen to your gut and trust yourself to know whether or not it feels good to be with this person.
That’s the best guidance you’ll ever find.
If you want to dig deeper into what’s holding you back from true love, let’s hop on the phone for a private Breakthrough To Love Session so you can discuss your specific situation with me and finally take action toward finding the love you want and deserve.
If you’re truly ready to dissolve past relationship patterns, cut through confusion, and transform your love life, a Breakthrough to Love Session is a must!
*name changed for privacy