Jul 07 2010
Are you dating on autopilot?
What is it that human beings want most? More money or a Mercedes?
Love and a deep connection with a partner, right?
Right and wrong!
Right, because yes, it is what we want, but wrong because many people have fear and blockages that keep them from their dream “one.”
And guess what? It’s unconscious.
In Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide
It goes like this: With billions of people in the world you are looking for “the one” so you scan everyone you see and suddenly, lo and behold, you identify him or her! You make the decision that this attractive, wonderful person is the person you have been searching for. The love chemicals kick in and you are happy, even blissful, dumbstruck and alive like never before. And you say to that person:
“I feel like I’ve know you all my life.”
And guess what? You have! According to Hendrix, the person we choose represents our parents. We feel wonderfully safe and understood with them.
But then some time passes and your partner inevitably disappoints you. In spite of how wonderful they are, they have not met all of your needs (like our very human parents). The love drug wears off and you are disappointed (i.e., misunderstood, feel unloved or rejected). You break up with your “one” and tell yourself “there’s nobody to date” or “I just haven’t met the right one yet” or “I need to move somewhere else.” You feel let down over and over again and may become cynical or negative… and time marches on… but…
There is good news.
You can change and develop a new awareness and become what Hendrix calls “a conscious single” and move away from dating on autopilot. With a fresh awareness that who you choose today is based on experiences from the past, you can better connect to yourself and be more self-promoting.
At Meet to Marry you’ll find not only other sincere, marriage-minded singles like yourself, but a context and a framework for finding the best of yourself using the tools we provide. We help you start a “new conversation” about dating, marriage and love.
Real love, attachment and commitment has everything to do with being conscious – knowing and owning our own “stuff.”
Remember, you cannot heal what you cannot feel.
One of my favorite sources to hear inspiring ideas on dating-for-marriage is Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.
Did she just say a Rabbi?
Oh, yes! If you’re not already familiar with him, you’ve been missing out. He’s a best-selling international author, recurring guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show, and the host of his own shows on the TLC cable network and “Oprah and Friends” radio network. I find his views on dating, marriage, family and many other social issues to have the most incredible mix of practicality and compassion. He’s simply amazing.
But back to my point. Over the last few generations, the trend of living-together-before-marriage has only grown. I think it’s a mistake. I get why couples do it; on the surface it makes a lot of sense. It’s like a “test drive,” before “purchasing” (committing) to the relationship. But you know what? You are not a car. You’re a person, who deserves rock-solid commitment, respect and validation.
It’s not a question of a lack of love or devotion. Your live-in partner can feel things for you very deeply and authentically. But as Rabbi Shmuley puts it, when you live together, your partner, “…doesn’t need to marry you because [s]he already has you totally and fully. Marriage for him [her] would be nothing more than a ritual that brings only obligations without further benefits.”
Then, he gets really real (see, this is what I’m talking about and why I love his style so much) – “If a man [woman] can get a bank loan without putting down any collateral, would [s]he suddenly volunteer it? The same is true here. Why formally close off possibilities and make the huge commitment to marry – especially if you’ve been burned before – when you already have everything you want?”
*stunned* That says it all. I don’t need to elaborate, except to say that I strongly share this view. And I needed to put it front-and-center to you, because it’s a key Meet To Marry concept.
Actually, I do need to add one more thing. It may be painful for some people to read, but I believe it with all my being: When you’re living with someone and you’ve expressed a readiness to take the next step and get married, but your partner tells you that they are not ready….What they’re really saying is they’re not ready to marry *YOU*. “500 Days of Summer” anyone?
What do you think about this issue? Let the whole MTM community know in the comments below.
Jun 01 2010
Your Dating Questions Answered
And not just *any* coach, we’re talking about here – this is my personal coach, Eli Levy, PhD, who put me on a path of self-love and acceptance, and guided me while I did the work to attract my husband Michael.
Eli has over thirty years experience in the area of dating-for-marriage coaching. His insights are powerful, and he delivers them with such humor, sensitivity and grace that – speaking from experience – I was completely inspired to let go of old ways of thinking and acting, and unafraid to embrace new & unfamiliar ways.
Mensch that he is, Eli is committed to touching lives and is part of the Meet To Marry philosophy and team. He’s offered to answer YOUR dating-for-marriage questions. So, go for it:
- Leave your questions as comments at the bottom of this post
- Write your questions on our Facebook wall
- Tweet us (or, for more privacy, direct-message us over twitter)
Meet To Marry is proud to have Eli answer your questions – so you (and our whole community) can grow and get helped by his wise answers. If you have a blind-spot or unconscious blockage that’s been keeping you from having what you really want, he will help you discover it. If you want to use your real name, great – write your question on our Facebook wall, in the comments below or with a tweet. If you prefer to be anonymous, so submit your question via a blog comment without using your real name or send us a direct message over twitter.
What are your most pressing dating for marriage questions and concerns?
Meet To Marry is your resource for Real Answers – that other experts or sites aren’t telling you. How is it helpful when you’re a 32-year-old woman with a…
…biological clock ticking *LIKE THIS* !!
..to receive ‘professional’ ahem advice like, “Chill out.” ??? Answer: it’s not. You deserve better than that, and we are going to help you.
Don’t be shy. Quite frankly, the only thing depending on it is The Future of Your Dreams.
May 24 2010
(Overcome Fear and just) Express Yourself
Part of the answer I give when people ask me what I do, is I tell them I’m an evangelist. I don’t mean in the religious sense of the word, but rather that I am full of zealous enthusiasm for the dating revolution Meet To Marry espouses, and I want to use my voice to share that with as many people as I can.
So, I’m writing a book.
[pause]
Oh, yes I am. Wait, you mean that nagging voice – What do you really have to say?” Who will listen, who will care? – wasn’t from you, but actually inside my own head? The author Seth Godin calls that the voice of the “Lizard Brain,” or the voice of resistance. It’s perfectly normal to have it, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe it. And, because I am passionate about Meet To Marry’s dating-for-marriage philosophy…because I believe they are nothing short of revolutionary and that they can help sooo many people, I have no choice but to write this book. It must exist, and I’m the one inspired to write it…..
….or, being called to write it. I want to share one of my favorite videos with you. It’s a 20-minute talk given at the TED conference in 2009 by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the incredible book Eat, Pray, Love and her new follow-up, Committed. So make a cup of tea and then come back to the computer and watch it. Go on, I’ll wait. :-) It offers great ideas about how the ancients once thought about creativity and where it comes from, and how we got away from that in modern times. And that believing we are partners with some higher force when we’re creating anything new isn’t merely therapeutic, but extremely liberating.
So, just because I’ve never written a book before, and doing so means leaving my comfort zone – well, frankly, that’s just not a good enough excuse to stop me from doing it!
It’s like, in the realm of dating: I know you know that finding The One is worth it. And if it involves some pro-activity on your part, some taking direction and doing things differently than you have in the past, investing time and energy in your own personal growth… Well, I can tell you that on the Other Side of Finding Yourself is finding your unique partner in life, and the joy of being with someone who truly gives you what you need and what you want.
[did you watch the video yet?]
May 13 2010
Making a Dating Plan of Action
In the previous post, I shared two important Meet To Marry tips for Dating-for-Marriage: Make Dating a Priority and Know that Dating is a Numbers Game. If you’ve committed to taking smart actions that will help you find your Life Partner faster, an interactive Dating Action Plan is going to support you and help you stay on track.
I teased this post in the last one by sharing the idea – Begin with the end in mind, and this is the place from which you’ll create your plan of action. It’s actually one of my favorite concepts from the groundbreaking spiritual writer, Steven R. Covey.
For the purpose of finding your Soul Mate, this means setting a clear date in your mind by when you’ll have met your Marriage Partner. Everything that comes next will be actively working toward that goal. Now, do a little imagination – imagine looking back from that special date. Using the Dating Action Plan, you’ll want to choose action steps along the way that will bring you from today all the way to the day you’ll meet your Mate. The Plan allows you to make a series of promises and commitments to yourself to keep you going forward. (TIP: It’s a good idea to have a calendar with you while you fill out the Plan.)
If your experience is like mine, doing each step will keep you feeling excited – because you’ll know that each successive act IS bringing you closer to meeting The One. You’ll be busy, because you’ll have scheduled your life with enjoyable events to attend and concrete actions to take. I’m telling you, the happiness gets a real momentum, especially when you start seeing results. Each day, each step, each action…it’s all lifting you up and bringing you closer! And if your mood should dip, or doubt creeps in for a moment, remember: feelings change, commitments don’t.
I decided to have fun with it when I was dating….three coffee dates a week. Sounds like a lot? Why? I had to eat, and I really enjoy drinking coffee. I created a great life for myself, where I was happy and committed to meeting The One….positive, open and happy. I knew that having coffee with men whose marriage visions matched mine was a great use of my time and was bringing me closer to my Match.
Always, I would pre-screen these men. Through phone conversations and emails, I would share Big Picture Stuff with them, my values and goals, my marriage vision. The way I set it up was like – Hey, let’s meet in person, since we may have a matching marriage vision….or – It looks like our goals jive… Let’s have a coffee and chat…..
And when you meet in person, you know pretty quickly if there’s any spark there. If there is, you can meet him again. If not, you go onto your next exciting activity in your life. Always vibrating happiness and clarity….knowing that when the time is right, you will know it.
May 11 2010
Bari’s Dating Tips: 1 & 2
WARNING: You may find that these tips go against traditional advice you’ve been receiving. (I’m not kidding, either.)
Meet to Marry Dating Tip # 1: Make Dating a Priority
Let’s pretend that getting a job at a Fortune 500 company is your top priority. If you’re smart, you’re going to engage your life and take actions that will help you get there. You’ll do things like apply to a good college, show up for classes, work hard and get good grades. You’ll probably investigate internships at the firms where you want to work, attend networking events, take time getting your LinkedIn profile in good shape, and make use of online job sites. Or, you could do none of this and just wait to be offered the job of your dreams.
Now, let’s pretend you want to become a contestant on American Idol more than anything else in the world. You could work on your vocals by taking lessons or singing in a local choir. And you could drive to a city where auditions are happening and wait hours in line for a chance to do your best in front of the judges. Or, you could not do any of that and just hope you bump into Simon Cowell in an elevator.
It’s easy to see where I’m going with this. It might happen for the people who do nothing and just hope. It really might. But if you had to bet on who would achieve their goals, wouldn’t you choose the people who took actions that clearly brought them closer to what they were seeking? It’s common sense, really. Even if it’s important for you to believe in fate, destiny or a Higher Power’s role in your life, your actions could certainly be seen as “giving the Universe more to work with,” right?
If finding your future partner is important to you, don’t hide out and wait for it to happen. This flows right into the next tip:
Meet to Marry Dating Tip # 2: Know that Dating is a Numbers Game
Just like sales, dating is a numbers game. Your chances of finding The Right One increase with the more people you meet – on coffee dates, at singles events and meeting other marriage-minded singles on Meet to Marry. It’s a big world, and in my personal experience and with the clients I give dating for marriage coaching to, I’ve seen over and over that the people willing to do the committed work of being open, positive and meeting *a lot* of people in various was find their Life Partners first.
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a plan you could follow that was consistent with your vision and would help you stay focused throughout this process? Dating with a plan might not sound so romantic, but it works, and you’re in luck, because Meet To Marry designed one. And you get to interact with it and customize it, so you will really do it. We’ll explore this in our next blog post.
Let me leave you with this thought to tide you over: Begin with the end in mind, and this is the place from which you’ll create your plan of action.
May 05 2010
Wednesdays with Eli
In the previous post, I explained how one of the ways Meet To Marry is special is we provide marriage readiness coaching – clear guidance to help you learn to date in a new way.
I didn’t invent the coaching concept. I was blessed to work with a powerful and compassionate coach, who helped me transform how I saw myself and my life. His name is Eli Levy, PhD. He came into my life at Exactly the right time – seven years ago in Miami. And the lessons I learned through our work together are forever etched in my psyche. In fact, the journal I kept from our weekly sessions forms the basis of much of the Meet To Marry program.
Eli carried me. He was there for me when I had to make changes that seemed just too hard to do alone. It was beautiful, and it reminds me of this humble poem by Margaret Powers.
“Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I’m aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don’t understand why, when I need You most, You leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.”
With over thirty years of experience, he handled our sessions with sensitivity, kindness and a lot of humor. There were important things I had never learned – about the way life flows, about self-love and self-acceptance – that Eli helped me understand.
One of the most important lessons was that I needed to be my own Best Friend. I needed to have unconditional self-acceptance, and that was the Key. To find the Love I wanted, I needed to love myself. You see, veryone has a part within themselves that can’t be satisfied by approval from another; it can only be fulfilled from within.
We brought these concepts into my present – specifically to my goal of finding my life-partner and marrying him. Like, how to identify my own emotional needs, how to build a healthy relationship and what elements can compromise one.
With the foundation of Healthy Thinking in place, we got to the business of Action. One of the most important concepts Eli helped me to grasp was the most simple: that dating is numbers game. I went on A LOT of coffee dates, and after each one Eli helped me to see clearly how the man treated me and what he had really said to me. He was like my own Roger Ebert – literally, giving me a “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” on the kind of date I’d had. I have to admit, I was so clueless in the beginning! I was 100% learning to date in a new way. I don’t know how else to say it: he really knew how to “get to me.”
During visits that spanned a year, I went from a Love Junky to someone capable of making healthy choices for herself. I learned it so well I became an expert at sharing the information. Our therapeutic chemistry was so great that somehow throughout the entire process, I was forever optimistic and excited about the future. Having come out the other side, it really makes me wonder – How did I live my Life before working with him?
May 03 2010
Everyone Needs a Coach
I salute you.
You are brave. You’re out in the world dating, and it is not easy. You are sincere and genuinely want to meet your Dream Spouse. But it’s soooo hard! And, because you’re smart and care about yourself, you have questions, concerns and doubts about how to go about it.
Again – props to you! Asking for help is not easy, and many people are too proud or not strong enough to do it.
Having gone through this same experience, I never tire of the gratitude I feel for the coach who helped me. And I’m in a place now where I can give back. I truly am humbled to work as a coach now, and help other people use the coaching concepts I learned to find my True Love so that the same thing can happen for them.
I am not the first person to offer people help to people who want to find their Soul Mate. In fact, I hear all the time from people – What’s so different about Meet To Marry?
Simply put, we are the only site dedicated 100% to helping Marriage Minded singles of every Faith. We are completely focused on that objective. There is nothing wrong with looking for casual dating or making new friends. Other sites combine and serve those multiple goals very well. But that’s not us. Our only goal is to help Marriage Minded singles find The One and start their future with him or her to create a life long partnership.
We’re also different, because we provide the Coaching to help you get there. At Meet To Marry, you will receive clear guidance and deep support from us so that you may learn to date in a new way. I will personally be active on the site by leading weekly group coaching calls, as well as by posting:
- Videos
- Training tips
- Interviews with experts and more.
Look. I’m not kidding when I tell you that I went from always attracting the wrong men to finding my Soul Mate in Michael. It was having a coach that made all the difference in the world. My coach gave me encouragement, facts and information, and feedback – helping me to feel amazing, empowered and In Action. And as he promised, my world was Rocked. This is the life-changing experience I want you to have, too.
I invite you to write me, and share your story. I’ll respond with coaching opportunities and choices for you.
Latest Tweets
Recent posts
-
Are you dating on autopilot?
July, 7 2010 -
Why “Let’s Just Live Together” Could Mean “I Don’t Want to Marry You”
June, 6 2010 -
Your Dating Questions Answered
June, 6 2010 -
(Overcome Fear and just) Express Yourself
May, 5 2010 -
Making a Dating Plan of Action
May, 5 2010 -
Bari’s Dating Tips: 1 & 2
May, 5 2010
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